Your Name is what I am

Memories I have no meaning, no one ever cared no one believed In the potential that existed inside of me, for no reason it’s this fearful past that haunts me every second of the life and I have no cure to it, since when was the last time I ever cared for the things that matter the most and someone really believed in the original reality that was in my mind.

2 years that’s all I now remember and ever want to remind myself with Is you. How far I can assure you with all that is in my heart and there is nothing that I can forget every inch of these memories are the greatest achievements of my life, If I die today I won’t ever have a regret of what I have experienced yet even death hates me now because it thinks am not worthy of its lust and its desire.

Ever imagined having sex with death, I think I had and it’s not that beautiful when you dive in the middle of the ocean and then there is no one to rescue the more you let go of it the more it tempts you and its venomous temptation is out stated and no words can comparison its ……..?

The very first time my lips slipped upon her skin I felt as if the rivers of honey flowed underneath my lips as if the silk was floating in its purest. What a life it was what a moment it was.

The first time I kissed those rosy lips those lips that once sung the songs of love that were now so broken and no morning dew ever floated on them, and those dry treambling lips started to glow. That yellow dress those blue jeans those white feet with those slippers in water , even that muddy water started to become clearer when she stepped into them and that was she.

I Love You ……………………..

My absolute Subconcious

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Before I begin This is how I think and this is absolutely how I want to grow old holding you close to me and will never leave your side my Beauty,

Another year past in my life, don’t know how many more to come, last year same night I wasn’t alone I was with someone sharing the dreams and all the emotions left in this vessel, I never knew we would come this far sharing so many things our lives in particular. The question she asked me a year past why does you and why do I love each other so much…? This was truly the hardest question of all I have ever put my mind forth to, and trust me I am writing after a really long time, and I have nothing to write about other than us, because She is all I have to write and that’s what I am going to keep on writing, Oh God I really get distracted. Well the reason is that I am listening to Thai songs at the moment something about foreign language is that it never lets you distracted, 20 years from now If I live I would still remember this night because tonight is when I bought my Lady her first ever new year eve present from my life first salary we not to forget I am working in a design agency as its official Art Director and Graphic Designer working two jobs is really freakish, trust me dear reader I have broken many hearts in the past years and ignored many friends tonight as tonight was the night She made so special.

I am a monster inside and love eating people’s emotions it’s like my most esteemed hobby, playing with peoples chemistry and burn them like anything and live on those emotions, huh well not anymore this person has truly shown me the path to eternity and well held me really close to what I should have belonged long ago in the past. Sometimes paths unite for a grater purpose, and I now witness things that I would have witnessed after 20 years from now. This hard rock life style is really what I living inside.

Why I love you is because I never loved anyone truly or maybe that was just a disillusioned thought of love inside of me. And every time I tell her I love her I feel like there is more that I should have done or should do, why she loves me is because she always wanted a monster to love the beauty of the capricious desert the beauty of the wilderness the beauty of heaven and earth, huh what a beautiful mind I feel right now, as like the beats of this heart breaking thoughts striking my mind and leading me to a new dimension and yet I am on my way to the far ends of my sub conscious.

Let me remind you something that Love is not a game it is something that not only comes with experience but it’s the rule that has been set up in heaven and only those learn it who truly have a heart carving for it its thirst is everlasting and when the vessel is filled with its capricious venom that is when love is truly felt, and I felt it with her.

 

Happy New Year Babe, I love you “Fajr Haroon” I live and write as there is nothing of such interest I really want to experience My whole life is now circulating around you.

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Here we are we have just begun with what was once told it only happens after when two become one, every time I see women I think what makes them so different, well is its just the ability of them to pleasure your needs, help you meet the standards of romance things you imagine they provide, maybe all men are not alike, some are different some are like lets get over with it.
Here is a story of a young boy seeking to love, to him love is different, to him love is like dreaming with open eyes, with the feeling of life in it, with every beat his heart beats he dreams of experiencing it, yet he is on a far way reaching that destination. He looks up and see the stars sparkling and on the ground he sees the grass dancing with the breeze, yet he is so metaphorical in his approach to love, its not about he finds the one who could understand what he thinks, he just wants some one to experience that love without any bondage, this craziness is so divine as he says so.
” when I am naked and am not ashamed of anything, when she is naked and she has that shyness like fear in the eyes of a gazelle, her eyes sparkle as the light of the twinkling stars, her lips when move to create words, the departing of her lips from one another there is this layer that breaks apart and hens the sound produced, and then she takes a deep breath and i could see her vocal cord slightly moving up and down like some humming bird sucking nectar from a flower, the movement of her breast as she breaths heavily, and her hands couldn’t stop reaching my chest, and move slowly up to the back of my hair, and she grabs them and pulls them with a moaning sound and comes as close as she can without fear and then kisses my lips, and she chews lips as some deer feeding on grass, such nature reflects in the beauty of her innocent love, its so crazy, its slow yet the venom is so strong that I could fee the blood flowing in my veins, and she reaches my ear lobes and slides her tongue with it, like some kub feeding on milk, its so intense, then the bodies get warmer and warmer and starts sweating and its like being in a hot shower with just the two playing the game of love, a never ending resistless game, and she gets crazier in her movements like she cant resist those eyes with so much to give, and its a breeze that starts and never ends”
how come one dream so hard, open eyes and welcome every imagination and crafting these thoughts into a frame, like sewing apples of gold on a frame of silver, embroidered with jewels.
fold to fade, yet unfolded its quiet and brutal, and never ending its not lust its love.

10th July, Its where the change begings

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10 July, 2012, lying on a bed in a hospital, heavily dosed with anesthesia, still unconscious and don’t know whether it was sunny outside, my eyes yet blurred and thinking what am I where am I, like I have lost everything I ever owned, this person this body I was inside of who is it who was it, the pains of the past screaming at me like some nightmare, yet i buried inside this body crying out loud my soul so restless shattered like the glass, why is this happening to me why cant i just escape this body this existence I have, why is God not listening to my cries.
It all began back in time when you make mistakes when your silly and young when nothing in life seems impossible, we all make mistakes in life but what I was committing to was something I had no idea where it was taking me. every action was blunt every commitment was from the heart, since the day there came a storm in my life a storm I couldn’t hold myself, I felt helpless and alone and yet still strong inside like my God was helping me all the time but this help of his was so meaningless why would He who is righteous still be my guide to all that I have committed, what was my wrong where was I wrong. and when the storm was clear like a little child I was left alone at home, crying out to the ones I so called friends, but you know I was labels as no good to anyone, like a looser. I never gave up hope I kept on thriving and forced myself that no matter what happens I will survive I will not give up, but this soul of mine so strong and committed my body couldn’t uphold the strengths it had, I was weak from the outside and broken with bruises all over me, like a slave to a mad dog.
Here I am trying to die or live not sure what will happen next. A year after I saw something I always have dream’t of, something so profound and pure, but those fears of the past those nightmares I had gone through am I doing the same again, well who cares my body didn’t allowed me yet my soul always looking for opportunities to help me rise again like the Glory days of my life.
I saw him with another girl, the way he was compassionate about her was something only seen in books, like he was all over her, like some protector. what was it that turned a man into something like what he was, I have seen men treat women only for the lust they hold inside of them and trash them. yet he was surprisingly different. I couldn’t resist his smile his passion, but it was so unfair if I would interrupt, I left in silence and went into my dark corners where I thought I belong.
A few months passed It came to my ears that person is alone and broken, I don’t know what made me talk to him what thoughts carried me to his words. It was something I never wanted but its not body it was my soul. We started talking and found him quiet a guy and kept on asking him whats good and whats bad, everyday I waited for him and wanted to talk to him, his words the way he talked and everything about his seemed so clear, like a person without faults, but what person without faults in life, he too had faults but he was affirming in every nature. week’s passed and we went on a drive and he drove me 150Km and kept me busy in site seeing and from the inside I couldn’t stop myself starring at him, but he careless of my feelings kept on driving. we kept on meeting each other, and one day we went to the waters what a day it was, he was so happy but had no attachments for me, no feeling reflected like he was so clear but I couldn’t see anything inside of me, how can someone be so clear and yet so filled up. well God knows how, until  he has to tell me. one night he told me he had feeling for me, He was young and smart and dumb and silly, I was scared and was in silence, but some how from no where I committed to him. after we were in relation one day we were going on a drive and he reached my hand and tried to hold my hand, I pushed him away, instead he stopped the car and made me realize its nothing to be fared, Its me, like a voice so pure I couldn’t resist and held his hand so strongly, I felt it and by the time we were driving I started crying and he never let go of my hand kept me close, I know he could have hugged me and cared for me more maybe he was scared or maybe he knew me more than ever, our love grew day after day but we both were scared of our past, but some how he challenged himself and kissed me, and I cant imagine a person asking for forgiveness when he kissed me for the first time, it made me pause for a while and in that whole time he kept on asking for forgiveness and it was beautiful, he still is one silly head. days passed months passed and the day comes when we both made love and shared our passion for each other, he never changed he kept the same he still is the same, somewhere in his silly mind he always imagines me as his home.
yet today 10th July the same day the same feeling again hovering my mind and I am sad, but somewhere He is still writing about me, not letting go off my hand, and knows exactly what Love is. He never went away and will always stay.

Nothingness

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It was dark and silent, the face of those hills I once embraced my sadness into happiness, why today it were like they were praying for the rain to fall, like they were crying into those shattered sentences of life taking fears.

How hard it is for us to understand that we can pledge our lives with others and when others forget that there is something that we are missing and we need to understand that yet we exist. I cant express what i am going through like am some kind of tree with no voice with just a still posture the only posture I present to my seeker is only when the seasons change, only then if he is there he sees how painful and how beautiful these seasons can be, a year and only four recalls of my love express my existence to you. There was a time when I stood by you and your replies with the chattering sounds of your leaves, why then you tell me everything before even I say so, why then you speak it out when the season is far away, why do you know so much of my heart, I just stood there looking into your eyes, those harsh scars those tears those thick ones that wont melt even if the fires are melting hot. Its just your words says she that enchant me when I am desperate its your words that embrace me and make me mad in love its just you. What is it that you cant understand why are you so young why not grow up and be the guide light of my life. I am just standing there as she is just shouting at me with those words with those feelings, am feeling so small and its over my head and its nothing at all, and I stumble and fall and I am still learning to love and starting to crawl, why can I not turn away from the hills from the tree from the clouds from the valley waters, its all you its all you I see and all that I understand.

My goodness is when I ate all of my pride and died to myself, some words feel just words when I am just not being a commitment to who I am to you. I am standing there kill me with your grace and kindness and your love.

Lilly among women

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How beautiful you are my lover! How your eyes shine with love behind your veil. Your hair dance like a flock of goats bounding down the hills of Himalayas. Your teeth are as white as the white mountains of Everest. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; how lovely they are when you speak. Your cheeks glow behind your veil. Your neck is like the tower of David, round and smooth, with a necklace like a thousand warriors shields hung around it. Your breasts are like gazelles, twin deer feeding among lilies. I will say on the hill of myrrh, the hill of incense, until the morning breezes blow and the darkness disappears. How beautiful you are my love; how perfect your are! Come with me from the Lebanon Mountains my bride; come with me from Lebanon, come down from the top of mount Amana, from Mount Senir and Mount Hermon. Where the lions and leopards live. They look into your eyes, my sweetheart and bride, and the dress you are wearing has stolen my heart. Your love delights me, my sweetheart and bride. Your love is better than wine; your perfume more fragrant than any spice. The taste of honey is on your lips, my darling; your tongue is milk and honey for me. Your clothing has all the fragrance of Lebanon.

My sweetheart, my bride is a secret garden, a walled garden, a private spring; there the plants flourish. They grow like an orchard of pomegranate trees and bear the finest fruits. There is no lack of henna and nard, of saffron, calamus, and cinnamon, or incense of every kind. Myrrh and aloes grow there with all the most fragrant perfumes. Fountains water the garden, streams of flowing water, brooks gushing down from the Lebanon Mountains.

She is such a warm heat, her body speaks like the waves of the ocean, the sounding waves creates music as it says so, wake up, North Wind. South Wind, blow on my garden; fill the air with fragrance. Let my lover come to his garden and eat the best of its fruit.

Forbidden Desire

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Your lips cover me with kisses, your love is better than wine. There is a fragrance about you, the sound of your name recalls it, and no woman could keep from loving you. Take me with you, and we’ll run away. Be my queen and take me to your room. We will be happy together drink deep, and loose ourselves in love. Woman from the city of saints, I am dark but beautiful, dark as the desert tents of Kedar, but beautiful as the draperies in Solomon’s palace. Don’t look down on me because of my color, because the sun has tanned me. My friends were angry with me and made me work hard in the sun. I had no time to care for myself. Tell me my love where will you lead your heart to gaze? Where will it rest from the noonday sun? Why should I need to look for you among the gazing hearts of this world?

She says, don’t you know the place, loveliest of men? Go and follow the flock; find a place and see for me.

I sat and prepare myself, you my love, excite men as a mare excites the stallion of Pharaoh’s chariots. Your hair is beautiful upon your cheeks, and falls along your neck like jewels. But we will make for you a chain of gold with ornaments of silver.

When she sees me replies, my king was lying on his couch, and my perfume filled the air with fragrance. My lover has the scent of myrrh, as he lies upon my breasts. My lover is like the wild flower that bloom in the vineyards at Engedi.

And I with no more embraces her, how beautiful you are, my love, how your eyes shine with love.

She keeps me in her arms, my head resting upon her breasts and she gentles me with her words, how handsome you are, and my dearest; how you delight me! The green grass will be our bed; the cedars will be the beams of our house, and the cypress trees the ceiling. I am only a wild flower in Sharon, a lily in a mountain valley.

And my heart beats like the war drums raging for a battle and I say, like a lily among thorns is my darling among women.