10 July, 2012, lying on a bed in a hospital, heavily dosed with anesthesia, still unconscious and don’t know whether it was sunny outside, my eyes yet blurred and thinking what am I where am I, like I have lost everything I ever owned, this person this body I was inside of who is it who was it, the pains of the past screaming at me like some nightmare, yet i buried inside this body crying out loud my soul so restless shattered like the glass, why is this happening to me why cant i just escape this body this existence I have, why is God not listening to my cries.
It all began back in time when you make mistakes when your silly and young when nothing in life seems impossible, we all make mistakes in life but what I was committing to was something I had no idea where it was taking me. every action was blunt every commitment was from the heart, since the day there came a storm in my life a storm I couldn’t hold myself, I felt helpless and alone and yet still strong inside like my God was helping me all the time but this help of his was so meaningless why would He who is righteous still be my guide to all that I have committed, what was my wrong where was I wrong. and when the storm was clear like a little child I was left alone at home, crying out to the ones I so called friends, but you know I was labels as no good to anyone, like a looser. I never gave up hope I kept on thriving and forced myself that no matter what happens I will survive I will not give up, but this soul of mine so strong and committed my body couldn’t uphold the strengths it had, I was weak from the outside and broken with bruises all over me, like a slave to a mad dog.
Here I am trying to die or live not sure what will happen next. A year after I saw something I always have dream’t of, something so profound and pure, but those fears of the past those nightmares I had gone through am I doing the same again, well who cares my body didn’t allowed me yet my soul always looking for opportunities to help me rise again like the Glory days of my life.
I saw him with another girl, the way he was compassionate about her was something only seen in books, like he was all over her, like some protector. what was it that turned a man into something like what he was, I have seen men treat women only for the lust they hold inside of them and trash them. yet he was surprisingly different. I couldn’t resist his smile his passion, but it was so unfair if I would interrupt, I left in silence and went into my dark corners where I thought I belong.
A few months passed It came to my ears that person is alone and broken, I don’t know what made me talk to him what thoughts carried me to his words. It was something I never wanted but its not body it was my soul. We started talking and found him quiet a guy and kept on asking him whats good and whats bad, everyday I waited for him and wanted to talk to him, his words the way he talked and everything about his seemed so clear, like a person without faults, but what person without faults in life, he too had faults but he was affirming in every nature. week’s passed and we went on a drive and he drove me 150Km and kept me busy in site seeing and from the inside I couldn’t stop myself starring at him, but he careless of my feelings kept on driving. we kept on meeting each other, and one day we went to the waters what a day it was, he was so happy but had no attachments for me, no feeling reflected like he was so clear but I couldn’t see anything inside of me, how can someone be so clear and yet so filled up. well God knows how, until he has to tell me. one night he told me he had feeling for me, He was young and smart and dumb and silly, I was scared and was in silence, but some how from no where I committed to him. after we were in relation one day we were going on a drive and he reached my hand and tried to hold my hand, I pushed him away, instead he stopped the car and made me realize its nothing to be fared, Its me, like a voice so pure I couldn’t resist and held his hand so strongly, I felt it and by the time we were driving I started crying and he never let go of my hand kept me close, I know he could have hugged me and cared for me more maybe he was scared or maybe he knew me more than ever, our love grew day after day but we both were scared of our past, but some how he challenged himself and kissed me, and I cant imagine a person asking for forgiveness when he kissed me for the first time, it made me pause for a while and in that whole time he kept on asking for forgiveness and it was beautiful, he still is one silly head. days passed months passed and the day comes when we both made love and shared our passion for each other, he never changed he kept the same he still is the same, somewhere in his silly mind he always imagines me as his home.
yet today 10th July the same day the same feeling again hovering my mind and I am sad, but somewhere He is still writing about me, not letting go off my hand, and knows exactly what Love is. He never went away and will always stay.